A Very Short Blog and an Apology (Alternate Title: "My Gaze is an Incredible Laxative")

First, the apology-- Sorry I haven't been back here for so long. Not that I expect anyone gives a rat's ass. During the semester, which begins on Monday (say it with me-- FUCK) I should have a more rigorous schedule as well as more activities to report. I hope to post every couple of weeks, probably while pantsless, drinking beer, and watching football. To help you with that mental image, I'll also be unshowered, coated with a fine layer of grease, and bloated from delicious salty foods. And maybe I'll eat some ice cream so as to be gassy. You're welcome.

Next, the very short blog.

Item # 1

My magnificent girlfriend and I got a new puppy. His name is Jables, as derived from the great Jack Black, and he is flat out kick ass. He is pretty much housebroken (and never really caused us much work in that regard), but he does bite the living shit out of anything we refuse to give him. Not any of his 4,000 toys, but everything else-- cell phones, the hem of my shorts, a spoonful of crank Jamie left out-- is fair game. And, in honor of my brother getting a new job, here are three ways my dog Jables reminds me of my big brother Jay.

1. He may be retarded. Jables is an interesting dog to take on a walk. This is why I often bring a couple of beers with me when I do so. When he gets something in his mouth that he knows he shouldn't have, he hauls ass as quickly ass possible away from me, then snaps back when he reaches the end of the leash. Sometimes he suddenly decides that my leg is the enemy and attempts a leaping tackle. The end result, invariably, is that he smashes into my leg, sits down on the ground, and looks up at me, confused out of his mind. Then he bites my foot. Also, if he's really hyper, he lassos himself and falls over. I infrequently walked my brother Jay when I was a child, so I can't speak to how often he lassoed himself (I do know he went through a lot of helmets). However, Jay did like the Transformers movie, so how smart can he be?
2. If you give him a paper towel, he'll entertain himself for forty minutes. Jables likes to shred it, then chase the little pieces around and poke them with his paw. As for Jay... Some of my favorite childhood memories are of the evenings I sat on my parent's back porch, a cool glass of lemonade in hand, and watched Jay run around giggling and batting a paper towel back and forth in the friscalating dusklight. Bonus points to anyone who immediately knows why "friscalating dusklight" is funny.
3. He likes to stare me in the eyes when he poops. Don't ask me how I know this. Just know that it is far, far less disturbing when my dog does it.

Item # 2

I got a new car! My dad and I went and picked up an absolutely amazing '05 Honda Accord yesterday. While it was sad saying goodbye to my old car, the Flying DUI, after seven exhilarating years, it was nice upgrading to what my dad called Blue Heaven. My dad's thoughts on my old car? "What a horrible piece of shit this is. I can't believe you can live with this thing." Also, it was nice to get on the highway and get up to 65 mph in under three minutes. So thanks Dad. It fucking rules.

Item # 3

Jamie and I were at Hy-Vee the other day when an old man collapsed right by us. We picked him up, obviously, an act that was gross on several accounts, but mainly because I'd describe the old man as a sweaty Skeletor, if Skeletor had a very thin moustache. The old man refused medical attention, but needed me to get a cart for him before he could walk on his own power. He probably died on the highway on the way home, taking several people with him. That's how I'd like to go out. But here is my plea to old people: Don't die at Hy-Vee. Don't even almost die at Hy-Vee. It freaks the rest of us out.

An Addendum To My Last Post

Another reason I'll never be an action hero-- the other day I didn't work out because it was raining outside. Instead, I ate Chinese food and drank beer.

I'm Sorry To Disappoint All of You

Yesterday I watched the original Die Hard and Die Hard: With a Vengence! in preparation for the forthcoming Die Hard 4, and I'm sorry to report that I do not have what it takes to be an action hero. I know this proclamation arouses several thoughts in you, such as...

"What will we do now?"
"He was to be our hero!"
"...Wait, who the fuck is this guy? How did I get on this site? Am I drunk?"
"Look at his picture, what an ugly bastard," and,
"I bet he's gay."

My sexuality aside, I am sorry I won't be your next great action hero. And its not just because I'm paunchy and like to drink-- John Wayne dealt with those issues every day, and he still murdered so many Indians the white man had enough room to build thousands upon thousands of McDonalds. Here are some of my favorite scenes from action movies, starting with the Die Hard films, and why I would be unable to fulfill the role of the hero:

1. In the original Die Hard, John McClane runs around barefoot the entire movie. At one point, the bad guys shoot out windows and he runs, barefoot, over shards of broken glass to safety. My problem is that, having worn socks day in and day out (even to the beach!) for the first twenty-one years of my life, I have baby skin on my feet. Hell, I went to a waterpark with my girlfriend a couple of days ago and am still limping because of a blister on my foot. Walk over broken glass? Fuck you, lady!

2. In Die Hard: With a Vengence! John McClane runs all over town, drives through Central Park, hops down a sewer grate onto a moving subway train, and has a witty comeback for anyone crazy enough to mess with him, all while bitching about a massive hangover. My problem? I'm completely incapable of movement if I have a massive hangover. I usually just eat egg drop soup, lay in bed, and bitch.

3. In Dirty Harry 3, a botched liquor store robbery leads armed gunmen to fire at police and take hostages within the store. Dirty Harry simply drives through the front of the building and shoots the gunmen. My problem? I just got off of high risk insurance, I can't afford to drive through buildings. Also, I'd be slightly concerned an innocent person would be behind the wall I drove through, or that an innocent person would be shot before I'd kill all of the bad guys. Such things do not concern Dirty Harry.

4. In the Bourne movies, Matt Damon frequently fights in close, hand to hand combat. My problem? My martial arts training as a child was shockingly neglected. I don't think I could kill a man even once before he hit the ground, let alone six or seven times. Where the hell were you on that one, parents?

5. Legolas, in the Lord of the Rings movies, stabs an orc in the head with an arrow, then pulls the arrow out and uses it to shoot a second orc. My problem? I'm not an elf. Also, I infrequently come across orcs that need arrowing.

6. In Demolition Man, Sylvester Stallone travels to the future and beats up a whole bunch of poor people who attack a Taco Bell. My problem? While I do hate poor people, I really like potato oles, so I'd be at Taco Johns and miss the whole fight. Not to mention I've never been frozen and thawed out in the future.

7. After a botched memory implant surgery in Total Recall, Arnold Schwartzneane0wmfnoinaoehaowegger travels to Mars, finds a latino chick that kills Sharon Stone, and meets a man with a mutant growing out of his stomach. My problem? I'd take one look at the weird baby mutant, vomit in a corner, and then go back to the bar to find the prostitute with three boobs.

Alas. The world will just have to wait for Jean Claude Van Damme to lay off the coke and save our ass once again.

Anyways, I can't wait for the fourth Die Hard movie! It's sure to be good, because its PG-13 and directed by the guy who did the Underworld movies! (Remember? Vampires fought werewolves? Only they used guns for some reason? You didn't see the Underworld movies? How lucky for you.) Oh, and the sidekick is Justin Long! (You know, the male cheerleading nerd from Dodgeball? Yeah, I had to IMDB him too.) I'm sure the new movie will be able to recreate great repartee such as this between Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson:

John McClane (Bruce Willis): You know how to use a gun?
Zeus (Sam Jackson): No.
McClane: No?
Zeus: Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker.
McClane: Sue me.

Can't you just picture that scene with Bruce Willis and Justin Long? "Do you know how to use a gun?" "Yes. I used to hunt with my father near the Penobscot River in Maine." "Oh."

Get pumped, people!

P.S.-- I actually think the new Die Hard will be enjoyable, but that's just because God created Bruce Willis to show us everything a proper bad ass should be.