Monday, June 25, 2007
An Addendum To My Last Post
Another reason I'll never be an action hero-- the other day I didn't work out because it was raining outside. Instead, I ate Chinese food and drank beer.
Friday, June 22, 2007
I'm Sorry To Disappoint All of You
Yesterday I watched the original Die Hard and Die Hard: With a Vengence! in preparation for the forthcoming Die Hard 4, and I'm sorry to report that I do not have what it takes to be an action hero. I know this proclamation arouses several thoughts in you, such as...
"What will we do now?"
"He was to be our hero!"
"...Wait, who the fuck is this guy? How did I get on this site? Am I drunk?"
"Look at his picture, what an ugly bastard," and,
"I bet he's gay."
My sexuality aside, I am sorry I won't be your next great action hero. And its not just because I'm paunchy and like to drink-- John Wayne dealt with those issues every day, and he still murdered so many Indians the white man had enough room to build thousands upon thousands of McDonalds. Here are some of my favorite scenes from action movies, starting with the Die Hard films, and why I would be unable to fulfill the role of the hero:
1. In the original Die Hard, John McClane runs around barefoot the entire movie. At one point, the bad guys shoot out windows and he runs, barefoot, over shards of broken glass to safety. My problem is that, having worn socks day in and day out (even to the beach!) for the first twenty-one years of my life, I have baby skin on my feet. Hell, I went to a waterpark with my girlfriend a couple of days ago and am still limping because of a blister on my foot. Walk over broken glass? Fuck you, lady!
2. In Die Hard: With a Vengence! John McClane runs all over town, drives through Central Park, hops down a sewer grate onto a moving subway train, and has a witty comeback for anyone crazy enough to mess with him, all while bitching about a massive hangover. My problem? I'm completely incapable of movement if I have a massive hangover. I usually just eat egg drop soup, lay in bed, and bitch.
3. In Dirty Harry 3, a botched liquor store robbery leads armed gunmen to fire at police and take hostages within the store. Dirty Harry simply drives through the front of the building and shoots the gunmen. My problem? I just got off of high risk insurance, I can't afford to drive through buildings. Also, I'd be slightly concerned an innocent person would be behind the wall I drove through, or that an innocent person would be shot before I'd kill all of the bad guys. Such things do not concern Dirty Harry.
4. In the Bourne movies, Matt Damon frequently fights in close, hand to hand combat. My problem? My martial arts training as a child was shockingly neglected. I don't think I could kill a man even once before he hit the ground, let alone six or seven times. Where the hell were you on that one, parents?
5. Legolas, in the Lord of the Rings movies, stabs an orc in the head with an arrow, then pulls the arrow out and uses it to shoot a second orc. My problem? I'm not an elf. Also, I infrequently come across orcs that need arrowing.
6. In Demolition Man, Sylvester Stallone travels to the future and beats up a whole bunch of poor people who attack a Taco Bell. My problem? While I do hate poor people, I really like potato oles, so I'd be at Taco Johns and miss the whole fight. Not to mention I've never been frozen and thawed out in the future.
7. After a botched memory implant surgery in Total Recall, Arnold Schwartzneane0wmfnoinaoehaowegger travels to Mars, finds a latino chick that kills Sharon Stone, and meets a man with a mutant growing out of his stomach. My problem? I'd take one look at the weird baby mutant, vomit in a corner, and then go back to the bar to find the prostitute with three boobs.
Alas. The world will just have to wait for Jean Claude Van Damme to lay off the coke and save our ass once again.
Anyways, I can't wait for the fourth Die Hard movie! It's sure to be good, because its PG-13 and directed by the guy who did the Underworld movies! (Remember? Vampires fought werewolves? Only they used guns for some reason? You didn't see the Underworld movies? How lucky for you.) Oh, and the sidekick is Justin Long! (You know, the male cheerleading nerd from Dodgeball? Yeah, I had to IMDB him too.) I'm sure the new movie will be able to recreate great repartee such as this between Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson:
John McClane (Bruce Willis): You know how to use a gun?
Zeus (Sam Jackson): No.
McClane: No?
Zeus: Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker.
McClane: Sue me.
Can't you just picture that scene with Bruce Willis and Justin Long? "Do you know how to use a gun?" "Yes. I used to hunt with my father near the Penobscot River in Maine." "Oh."
Get pumped, people!
P.S.-- I actually think the new Die Hard will be enjoyable, but that's just because God created Bruce Willis to show us everything a proper bad ass should be.
"What will we do now?"
"He was to be our hero!"
"...Wait, who the fuck is this guy? How did I get on this site? Am I drunk?"
"Look at his picture, what an ugly bastard," and,
"I bet he's gay."
My sexuality aside, I am sorry I won't be your next great action hero. And its not just because I'm paunchy and like to drink-- John Wayne dealt with those issues every day, and he still murdered so many Indians the white man had enough room to build thousands upon thousands of McDonalds. Here are some of my favorite scenes from action movies, starting with the Die Hard films, and why I would be unable to fulfill the role of the hero:
1. In the original Die Hard, John McClane runs around barefoot the entire movie. At one point, the bad guys shoot out windows and he runs, barefoot, over shards of broken glass to safety. My problem is that, having worn socks day in and day out (even to the beach!) for the first twenty-one years of my life, I have baby skin on my feet. Hell, I went to a waterpark with my girlfriend a couple of days ago and am still limping because of a blister on my foot. Walk over broken glass? Fuck you, lady!
2. In Die Hard: With a Vengence! John McClane runs all over town, drives through Central Park, hops down a sewer grate onto a moving subway train, and has a witty comeback for anyone crazy enough to mess with him, all while bitching about a massive hangover. My problem? I'm completely incapable of movement if I have a massive hangover. I usually just eat egg drop soup, lay in bed, and bitch.
3. In Dirty Harry 3, a botched liquor store robbery leads armed gunmen to fire at police and take hostages within the store. Dirty Harry simply drives through the front of the building and shoots the gunmen. My problem? I just got off of high risk insurance, I can't afford to drive through buildings. Also, I'd be slightly concerned an innocent person would be behind the wall I drove through, or that an innocent person would be shot before I'd kill all of the bad guys. Such things do not concern Dirty Harry.
4. In the Bourne movies, Matt Damon frequently fights in close, hand to hand combat. My problem? My martial arts training as a child was shockingly neglected. I don't think I could kill a man even once before he hit the ground, let alone six or seven times. Where the hell were you on that one, parents?
5. Legolas, in the Lord of the Rings movies, stabs an orc in the head with an arrow, then pulls the arrow out and uses it to shoot a second orc. My problem? I'm not an elf. Also, I infrequently come across orcs that need arrowing.
6. In Demolition Man, Sylvester Stallone travels to the future and beats up a whole bunch of poor people who attack a Taco Bell. My problem? While I do hate poor people, I really like potato oles, so I'd be at Taco Johns and miss the whole fight. Not to mention I've never been frozen and thawed out in the future.
7. After a botched memory implant surgery in Total Recall, Arnold Schwartzneane0wmfnoinaoehaowegger travels to Mars, finds a latino chick that kills Sharon Stone, and meets a man with a mutant growing out of his stomach. My problem? I'd take one look at the weird baby mutant, vomit in a corner, and then go back to the bar to find the prostitute with three boobs.
Alas. The world will just have to wait for Jean Claude Van Damme to lay off the coke and save our ass once again.
Anyways, I can't wait for the fourth Die Hard movie! It's sure to be good, because its PG-13 and directed by the guy who did the Underworld movies! (Remember? Vampires fought werewolves? Only they used guns for some reason? You didn't see the Underworld movies? How lucky for you.) Oh, and the sidekick is Justin Long! (You know, the male cheerleading nerd from Dodgeball? Yeah, I had to IMDB him too.) I'm sure the new movie will be able to recreate great repartee such as this between Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson:
John McClane (Bruce Willis): You know how to use a gun?
Zeus (Sam Jackson): No.
McClane: No?
Zeus: Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker.
McClane: Sue me.
Can't you just picture that scene with Bruce Willis and Justin Long? "Do you know how to use a gun?" "Yes. I used to hunt with my father near the Penobscot River in Maine." "Oh."
Get pumped, people!
P.S.-- I actually think the new Die Hard will be enjoyable, but that's just because God created Bruce Willis to show us everything a proper bad ass should be.
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