Why I Hate LIfe

Some things will never change. Zelda games will always be good, and Radiohead albums will always be overrated. My brother will always immerse himself in grandiose jackassery, and my girlfriend will always butcher the bejesus out of song lyrics. Examples:

• For reasons too convoluted to explain, my brother has pledged to donate $100 to a charity the first time he fails to see an inter-racial couple in Davenport. Oh, and he calls Davenport "the QC." Jackass.
• For her part, my girlfriend, singing to the dog, actually turned "Eli the Barrow Boy" by the Decemberists into a happy little ditty. For those of you who are uninformed, "Eli the Barrow Boy" is about a poor barrow boy (named Eli. See? It all makes sense) who works himself to death trying to buy a nice dress for his dead love. Then, after his death, his ghost keeps working, but is never able to afford the dress. How did Jamie make this a happy song? By adding some U2-esque "yeah yeah yeah!"'s to the end of it. Anyone who has been watching South Park knows what I'm talking about.
• Oh, and as for the first two-- the new Zelda, "The Phantom Hourglass," fucking rocks. And though I haven't heard the new Radiohead album, I'm sure it is completely overrated because it isn't "the Bends." In case you didn't know, everything by Radiohead other than "the Bends" sucks balls.

As for me, I will forever be bereft of money, I will never poop more than once in a single day (unless I'm sick or I drank waaaaaaay too much the night before) and I will always wait far too long inbetween blog posts. Sorry. But here's the thing. I hate, hate, hate this semester of school. It's miserable. It makes me not want to do anything, because once I'm done with my schoolwork my brain is so bored and underwhelmed that I can barely tell my dog to shut up. In honor of David Letterman, who I never watch anymore because he is up against Stephen Colbert (easily the funniest man in America right now), here are the top ten things that make me hate this semester with a passion:

1. The fact I have three classes in a row of technical communication. I don't get this stuff, and worse, I don't care to know it. It is all very boring, intricate detail work that could sometime help me get a decent paying job in the real world. That gets in the way of my life plan-- to have several rich relatives die and leave me all of their money, then get really loaded every day and assume the world works by magic.
2. No matter how long I rinse my mouth out with Scope, I still can't wash out the aftertaste from this summer, when Spiderman 3 took a dump in my mouth.
3. My hippie douchebag grad class. Here's what we have to do-- write a play about Iowa's environment that stylistically and thematically pays homage to "the Laramie Project" or "Twilight." Those plays were about the brutal murder of a gay man in a small town, and the LA race riots, respectively. Sorry, Iowa doesn't have those things. If you can find me one person as passionate about ethanol as people were about the race riots, well... well, I guess I still wouldn't give a shit. Sorry.
4. The girl in my "Write like a Woman" class (yes, I'm taking a "Write like a Woman" class, fuck you) who talks with the pace and pitch of a squirrel addicted to cocaine. Here is a typical comment from her: "IthinkthisisaSADstory. ButIdon'tknow (giggle giggle). Icouldjustthinkthatbecausemyfamilyisreallyweird. (giggle giggle). MaybeIshouldstopreadingthesestoriesatoneinthemorning (laughs out loud, looks at floor)." Listen girl. I don't give a rat's ass if your family is weird. I don't care if you read the story at 1 o'clock. Grow some balls (or, in this class, ovaries) and just say what you think.
5. I don't have any money to travel. You know, I would like to see America. I really would. I can't, however, because this country is spread out wider than a sorority girl's vagina and the government doesn't believe in cheap public transportation.

You know what? That's enough. In this blog, as in real life, I should probably stop at "sorority girl's vagina." That's a good rule. But just so you don't think I'm a complete whiner, here's five things that I have enjoyed this semester:

1. The illustrious and beautiful Jamie bought me a book of short stories entitled Fabulous Small Jews. And, as a bonus, even though the title was enough, the stories are really good! They're all about old Jewish people living in Chicago. Maybe I like them because I can relate so much.
2. Snapple Fun Facts! Did you know kangaroos and emus can't walk backwards? Amazing!
3. The new Iron and Wine album and the Darjeeling Limited.
4. The fact my new friend Quincy and I are going to start drinking at 11:00 am on Friday.
5. Stovetop Stuffing.

Bonus happy fact! The fact that I'm going to post more often from here on out. No, really. This time is totally different. For realsies.