New Employee Season

So its summer, and in the world of part time jobs that means its new employee season. I have had far too many jobs for how old I am, mainly due to the small issue of my complete and utter indifference towards every place I have worked. I don't like new employee season. It's annoying. Over the past year, I have gradually memorized my current employees' names, genders, and general age group so I can have maintain a brief, forced conversation with them.

For example, let's say I'm at work with Cody, a college male the same age as me. I can walk up to him and casually say, "Hello. What do you think of all those things us youngsters enjoy doing these days? Some of my character traits sure get under the skin of my birth givers, boy howdy! Let us talk about meat and female bosoms and itch ourselves." And if I'm talking to Tina or Mary Jo, college females my age, I will replace that last bit with an attempt to cater to their interests. For example, I will say something like "Yo' biddy. Sup' with vacuums? I bet you be lovin' horses too! Shiiiiit." While part of this easy back and forth comes from the fact I'm flat out great with women, as you probably just deduced, most of it comes from time consuming trial and error practice. Now I'm supposed to have the same level of conversation with complete strangers? I call bullshit.

Take one of our new employees, Heidi. My brain can't seem to come up with a reasonable way to talk to her. Here are some of her actions/comments and my initial reactions to them--

My initial response to meeting Heidi: "You sure wear a lot of make up. How are your illegitimate children?"
My actual response: "Hey."

Heidi: "I'm a horrible morning person. Like, seriously, if you say hello to me in the morning, I'll tell you to fuck off. I'm not even kidding."
My initial response: "I'd sure hate to wake up next to you! ...For so many reasons."
My actual response: "Yeah, that makes sense."

Heidi: "I'm kinda ghetto, so I just wait until I'm a little loose and then get my jiggle on."
My initial response: Uncontrollable giggling.
My actual response: Uncontrollable giggling.

Heidi: "I walked by two black guys the other night and they said 'hey shorty, I got a room a the Comfort Inn. You want to meet me there?'"

Now, I'd like to break format here and discuss a larger issue. We're allowed to use a room at the Comfort Inn as a pick up line now? That is fan-fucking-tastic! I mean, what does that imply? "Hey baby, you look homeless, and/or the type of person who will have sex with a stranger for the opportunity to sleep in a two star hotel. Have I charmed the pants off of you yet?" The best pick up line I ever had was when I went back home for a weekend and could tell women, "Hey, my mom totally lives in this town, so I can get you a ride home whenever you want. Yeahhhhh." Then I run my hands through my hair, lick my upper lip, and wink. I never used this line, because my academic advisor told me it would be a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't run pick up lines by my advisor. I don't know, I'm not a genius. But I do know that were I not in a relationship with a girl I thoroughly adore, I would drive home and use that line on the first bar cow I found.

Okay. Tangents, huh? Anyways, I hate new employee season. Its always awkward when, two months after they start, the new employees start bossing me around because they are better at the job. I mean, sure I've been there two years, but massive indifference is the gateway trait to incompetance.